Postcards I Get

I get a lot of postcards.
I send some, and I receive others.
Some are epic. Some are awful.
The best are epically awful.
From: Dad Sent: 7 August 2012 Key takeaways: Greetings from the 5th Congressional district of Connecticut, which is currently no doubt gripped in ELECTION FEVER!  As no general election postcards have arrived at PCIG Global HQ London, this primary postcard will have to do for this year’s First Quadrennial PCIG Get Out the Vote Special (PCIG-GOTV-S).  When first conceived, the Special was envisioned as a non-partisan call to the masses to head down to the Town Hall to pull the levers of democracy, as it were.  Clearly, the postcard lobbying efforts the Republican party have blown the bipartisan nature of the PCIG-GOTV-S out of the water; sorry Dems, but you have only your poor snail-mail strategy to blame!   Still, while the national appeal here is to go out and vote with your conscience/wallet/stomach/whatever matters to you, if you do happen to find yourself in Connecticut 5, PCIG’s FIRST EVER OFFICIAL ENDORSEMENT is directed at you!  Andrew Roraback (who, spoiler alert, won his primary) has represented NW Connecticut in the State Assembly for longer than I’ve been resident (wow!), and he’s done a very good job, cultivating a reputation as a moderate, party line-crossing legislator who just hates to miss votes.  Don’t believe me on that?  Believe the local press!  On top of all that, he’s clearly pro-postcard.  So if you count yourself among the good citizens of Connecticut 5, vote Andrew Roraback for Congress. If you don’t live in Connecticut 5, remember to get out and vote today.  And if you’re a non-citizen, enjoy staying up all night listening to Chris Matthews. Now back to normally scheduled programming…

From: Dad

Sent: 7 August 2012

Key takeaways: Greetings from the 5th Congressional district of Connecticut, which is currently no doubt gripped in ELECTION FEVER!  As no general election postcards have arrived at PCIG Global HQ London, this primary postcard will have to do for this year’s First Quadrennial PCIG Get Out the Vote Special (PCIG-GOTV-S).  When first conceived, the Special was envisioned as a non-partisan call to the masses to head down to the Town Hall to pull the levers of democracy, as it were.  Clearly, the postcard lobbying efforts the Republican party have blown the bipartisan nature of the PCIG-GOTV-S out of the water; sorry Dems, but you have only your poor snail-mail strategy to blame!  

Still, while the national appeal here is to go out and vote with your conscience/wallet/stomach/whatever matters to you, if you do happen to find yourself in Connecticut 5, PCIG’s FIRST EVER OFFICIAL ENDORSEMENT is directed at you!  Andrew Roraback (who, spoiler alert, won his primary) has represented NW Connecticut in the State Assembly for longer than I’ve been resident (wow!), and he’s done a very good job, cultivating a reputation as a moderate, party line-crossing legislator who just hates to miss votes.  Don’t believe me on that?  Believe the local press!  On top of all that, he’s clearly pro-postcard.  So if you count yourself among the good citizens of Connecticut 5, vote Andrew Roraback for Congress.

If you don’t live in Connecticut 5, remember to get out and vote today.  And if you’re a non-citizen, enjoy staying up all night listening to Chris Matthews.

Now back to normally scheduled programming…

From: Dad Sent: 8 February 2012 Key takeaways: Greetings from General Robert E. Lee, Commander of the Army of Northern Virginia for the Confederate States of America, which is no longer a tourist destination. The General is looking quite serious here. Maybe he doesn’t see much hope for his eventual prospects on the battlefield, or maybe that was simply the fashion back in the pre-instagram era.  Regardless of his politics or tactics, though, I’m sure that he was planning to do the right thing to that beard today - NMovember 1 - and was going to shave it off for Movember (in the UK).  Yes, that’s right, it’s time again to go bare-faced in order to grow a moustache to raise awareness for men’s health!  And as this postcard I got no doubt shows, that’s a cause worth coming together for. Bonus points: solid combover, confusing amount of slits in the lapel

From: Dad

Sent: 8 February 2012

Key takeaways: Greetings from General Robert E. Lee, Commander of the Army of Northern Virginia for the Confederate States of America, which is no longer a tourist destination. The General is looking quite serious here. Maybe he doesn’t see much hope for his eventual prospects on the battlefield, or maybe that was simply the fashion back in the pre-instagram era.  Regardless of his politics or tactics, though, I’m sure that he was planning to do the right thing to that beard today - NMovember 1 - and was going to shave it off for Movember (in the UK).  Yes, that’s right, it’s time again to go bare-faced in order to grow a moustache to raise awareness for men’s health!  And as this postcard I got no doubt shows, that’s a cause worth coming together for.

Bonus points: solid combover, confusing amount of slits in the lapel

Let’s empty this Bud as we move into the second 100 on PCIG: BUDWEISER Budweiser is brewed using only the finest barley malt, rice, hops, yeast, and water.  Budweiser was first marketed in cans in 1936.  Look for the Born On Date printed on each can and bottle, for guaranteed freshness. I’m made thirsty yet am still a bit refreshed just reading this mouthwatering description of the care Budweiser puts into their fine product.  This here is the cool, crisp deliciousness of Saint Louis lager put into words.  Coming from 2007, i.e. prior to Anheuser-Busch Inbev, it’s the distillation of only the finest in American tradition.  The company may have moved offshore, but this postcard I got stands as a reminder for all time that here we have the only King that the United States will ever love. Bonus points: brevity!, Budweiser brewery tours are apparently very worthy of the bucket list

Let’s empty this Bud as we move into the second 100 on PCIG:

BUDWEISER

Budweiser is brewed using only the finest barley malt, rice, hops, yeast, and water.  Budweiser was first marketed in cans in 1936.  Look for the Born On Date printed on each can and bottle, for guaranteed freshness.

I’m made thirsty yet am still a bit refreshed just reading this mouthwatering description of the care Budweiser puts into their fine product.  This here is the cool, crisp deliciousness of Saint Louis lager put into words.  Coming from 2007, i.e. prior to Anheuser-Busch Inbev, it’s the distillation of only the finest in American tradition.  The company may have moved offshore, but this postcard I got stands as a reminder for all time that here we have the only King that the United States will ever love.

Bonus points: brevity!, Budweiser brewery tours are apparently very worthy of the bucket list

From: Mac Sent: 23 March 2009 Key takeaways: Greetings from anytown, USA, where the King ironically reigns supreme in the greatest democracy on earth.  As with any occasion marking a PCIG milestone, our friends from St. Louis will be providing refreshments for our 100th POST CELEBRATION!  Now, I don’t want to overstate PCIG’s effect on the world - its ability to spread laughs from the United States to Kenya to Pakistan, likely improving conditions for world peace - but I do think it’s appropriate to reflect just a little, so go ahead and check out the retrospective over at the Archives.  Many thanks to all who have sent postcards, creating a bizarre set of images here at PCIG and a possible even more bizarre stack of cards to come.  As for this postcard I got, it’s been traveling around with me for a long time, and it’s finally time to share this Bud with you, dear readers! Bonus points: true postcard of genius

From: Mac

Sent: 23 March 2009

Key takeaways: Greetings from anytown, USA, where the King ironically reigns supreme in the greatest democracy on earth.  As with any occasion marking a PCIG milestone, our friends from St. Louis will be providing refreshments for our 100th POST CELEBRATION!  Now, I don’t want to overstate PCIG’s effect on the world - its ability to spread laughs from the United States to Kenya to Pakistan, likely improving conditions for world peace - but I do think it’s appropriate to reflect just a little, so go ahead and check out the retrospective over at the Archives.  Many thanks to all who have sent postcards, creating a bizarre set of images here at PCIG and a possible even more bizarre stack of cards to come.  As for this postcard I got, it’s been traveling around with me for a long time, and it’s finally time to share this Bud with you, dear readers!

Bonus points: true postcard of genius

Hop on your Nimbus 2000 and seek the back: Very smart of the Universal folks to go sans explanation back here, although it might have been nice of them to give details on joining Dumbledore’s Army for self defense tips while on campus.  Still, despite a day of rubbing elbows with wizards, Erin survived to tell the tale, so it can’t be all dark arts and deadly forests.  Whatsmore, they seem to have figured out a new method of posting letters!  Sure, that owl holding an envelope looks like a postmark, but…it’s not.  I’ll accept that the nifty Hogwarts stamp is at least semi-legal, but nowhere were any of these stamps officially canceled by the USPS.  How to explain this postcard I got, then, except accepting that it’s magic? Bonus points: thanks for the clarity as to my status, incongruous stamp theme

Hop on your Nimbus 2000 and seek the back:

Very smart of the Universal folks to go sans explanation back here, although it might have been nice of them to give details on joining Dumbledore’s Army for self defense tips while on campus.  Still, despite a day of rubbing elbows with wizards, Erin survived to tell the tale, so it can’t be all dark arts and deadly forests.  Whatsmore, they seem to have figured out a new method of posting letters!  Sure, that owl holding an envelope looks like a postmark, but…it’s not.  I’ll accept that the nifty Hogwarts stamp is at least semi-legal, but nowhere were any of these stamps officially canceled by the USPS.  How to explain this postcard I got, then, except accepting that it’s magic?

Bonus points: thanks for the clarity as to my status, incongruous stamp theme

From: Erin Sent: April 2012 Key takeaways: Greetings from Orlando, where Universal Studios invites you to take part in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Imagine, just like Harry, Hermione, and Ron, YOU too could be walking through the enchanted streets of Hogsmeade and sitting under the starry sky of Hogwarts dining hall!  It almost sounds too good to be true until you remember that life outside the muggle bubble consists mainly of dodging the most dangerously violent wizard of all time, hellbent on the destruction of the very castle you’ll be paying good money to tour.  Not afraid of Voldem—- (sorry…almost slipped up there)?  Then why not try out for the quidditch squad, where you’re odds on to end up in the medical wing.  Jamlando’s nice and all, but give me Epcot Center any day of the week, because this postcard I get might as well be inviting us Fallujah circa 2004. Bonus points: there’s no way the attraction actually looks that magical…it’s in Orlando; according to the spellcheck, muggle is now in the dictionary

From: Erin

Sent: April 2012

Key takeaways: Greetings from Orlando, where Universal Studios invites you to take part in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Imagine, just like Harry, Hermione, and Ron, YOU too could be walking through the enchanted streets of Hogsmeade and sitting under the starry sky of Hogwarts dining hall!  It almost sounds too good to be true until you remember that life outside the muggle bubble consists mainly of dodging the most dangerously violent wizard of all time, hellbent on the destruction of the very castle you’ll be paying good money to tour.  Not afraid of Voldem—- (sorry…almost slipped up there)?  Then why not try out for the quidditch squad, where you’re odds on to end up in the medical wing.  Jamlando’s nice and all, but give me Epcot Center any day of the week, because this postcard I get might as well be inviting us Fallujah circa 2004.

Bonus points: there’s no way the attraction actually looks that magical…it’s in Orlando; according to the spellcheck, muggle is now in the dictionary

Get a bigger boat and motor to the stern: Send more tourists to California, they’re delicious! Considering the creativity on display here, the good people at California Scene probably could have come with something stronger than a repeat of the frontside slogan here.  Without the shark to complete the image of who might be dining on some corn-fed tourists, the command is actually a bit disturbing.  Speaking of disturbing, I’ve been insecure about my smile for the better part of a year now (due to the relocation to the PCIG Global HQ Paris on exactly the date of sending, I didn’t see this until Christmas last year). Thanks a lot, Websters.  So yeah, even if their message means that I look terrifyingly fierce, fear not: as this postcard I got advises, it’s fun first, safety second. Bonus points: interesting that there are so many different ampersands out there

Get a bigger boat and motor to the stern:

Send more tourists to California, they’re delicious!

Considering the creativity on display here, the good people at California Scene probably could have come with something stronger than a repeat of the frontside slogan here.  Without the shark to complete the image of who might be dining on some corn-fed tourists, the command is actually a bit disturbing.  Speaking of disturbing, I’ve been insecure about my smile for the better part of a year now (due to the relocation to the PCIG Global HQ Paris on exactly the date of sending, I didn’t see this until Christmas last year). Thanks a lot, Websters.  So yeah, even if their message means that I look terrifyingly fierce, fear not: as this postcard I got advises, it’s fun first, safety second.

Bonus points: interesting that there are so many different ampersands out there

From: Derek and Rickie Sent: 29 August 2011 Key takeaways: Greetings from just off the California coastline, where a toothy welcome awaits you beneath perfect waves breaking just off the beach.  As postcards go, this one is a bold bet.  On the one hand, it’s colorful, funny, and shocking, all of which should provoke interest in California.  On the other hand, this thing is legitimately terrifying.  More than that, it’s just plain ugly.  Look at those gums!  Gross.  The beady golden eye is kind of cool, but the whole package is repulsive.  Derek and Rickie have impeccable taste, though, so I guess I’ll have to declare that this postcard I got will be a net positive for California, which is apparently horrifyingly welcoming. Bonus points: not sure I’d want to be photographing this up close, quality custom font!, shark acne?

From: Derek and Rickie

Sent: 29 August 2011

Key takeaways: Greetings from just off the California coastline, where a toothy welcome awaits you beneath perfect waves breaking just off the beach.  As postcards go, this one is a bold bet.  On the one hand, it’s colorful, funny, and shocking, all of which should provoke interest in California.  On the other hand, this thing is legitimately terrifying.  More than that, it’s just plain ugly.  Look at those gums!  Gross.  The beady golden eye is kind of cool, but the whole package is repulsive.  Derek and Rickie have impeccable taste, though, so I guess I’ll have to declare that this postcard I got will be a net positive for California, which is apparently horrifyingly welcoming.

Bonus points: not sure I’d want to be photographing this up close, quality custom font!, shark acne?

Catch shell and cruise under the waves: Honu The Hawaiian Green Sea Turtle, or honu, is listed as an endangered species. Well, scratch everything I said yesterday, because the turtle must be somewhat friendly if it’s become endangered.  Maybe if people knew that it has such a cool Hawaiian name, they’d leave the poor honu alone.  Nemo’s tubular pal aside, this is one serious backside of a postcard.  We have a true tour de force message from Gosselin (type “Goss” into a 2006-era predictive text cellphone, and you’ll see the reason for “Hops”), a fun message in the bottom right, and a very graphic map of Hawaii!  I haven’t yet been to Hawaii, but if they’re willing to work this hard to attract us with this postcard I got, it won’t be long before my first trip. Bonus points: Yet another Amish stamp, learn a language!

Catch shell and cruise under the waves:

Honu

The Hawaiian Green Sea Turtle, or honu, is listed as an endangered species.

Well, scratch everything I said yesterday, because the turtle must be somewhat friendly if it’s become endangered.  Maybe if people knew that it has such a cool Hawaiian name, they’d leave the poor honu alone.  Nemo’s tubular pal aside, this is one serious backside of a postcard.  We have a true tour de force message from Gosselin (type “Goss” into a 2006-era predictive text cellphone, and you’ll see the reason for “Hops”), a fun message in the bottom right, and a very graphic map of Hawaii!  I haven’t yet been to Hawaii, but if they’re willing to work this hard to attract us with this postcard I got, it won’t be long before my first trip.

Bonus points: Yet another Amish stamp, learn a language!

From: Gosselin Sent: 10 April 2012 Key takeaways: Greetings from the emerald waters of the Hawaiian coast, where the green sea turtle roams unchecked, menacing unsuspecting surfers and swimmers!  Yeah, it’s beautiful and quite possibly endangered, but look at the focus in those eyes - if that’s not attack mode, I don’t know what is.  Aside from the clear and present danger presented by this terrifying testudo, it is pretty cool looking, and the fact that it can swim through such glittery water is impressive.  Half warning, half seducing, this postcard I got is pushing you to throw caution to the wind and check out the forbidden beauty of the South Seas. Bonus points: The glitter on this card is very sparkly

From: Gosselin

Sent: 10 April 2012

Key takeaways: Greetings from the emerald waters of the Hawaiian coast, where the green sea turtle roams unchecked, menacing unsuspecting surfers and swimmers!  Yeah, it’s beautiful and quite possibly endangered, but look at the focus in those eyes - if that’s not attack mode, I don’t know what is.  Aside from the clear and present danger presented by this terrifying testudo, it is pretty cool looking, and the fact that it can swim through such glittery water is impressive.  Half warning, half seducing, this postcard I got is pushing you to throw caution to the wind and check out the forbidden beauty of the South Seas.

Bonus points: The glitter on this card is very sparkly